The Happy Cartographer, January 1994
Been a while since I checked the old diaries. There are lots of entries for 1994, despite how busy I was, I wrote everywhere, I was so excited by my discoveries. Although I do start with a bit of bitching… maybe if you could have heard the nonsense those poor desperate to impress boys were spouting, you would have thought ‘tongue scissors’ too. If I could revisit this scene I think I would just laugh, being older and generally more tolerant. The crap I refer to is their banter, not daughter’s charming dinosaur centric babble.
‘On the train.
Oh dear. How many stories can you begin with ‘me and my mates, right’…. I’m sure they’re very nice, individually, but I wish I’d brought my tongue scissors.
Daughter not stopped talking either but at least she’s not freezing my imagination with tales of how she fished for Yorkshire.
To distract me from this crap I’ll think about yesterday’s walk on the beach. I went to talk to the sea about losing the train tickets (had to buy another set…)
What I seemed to hear was- stop thinking you’ll always be moving, you might need to settle down, to learn that stillness doesn’t mean the same as stopped. Losing the tickets was a stupid accident.
Other things I have in mind for 1994:
I want to be beautiful. This means practical steps like being bothered to iron a dress but also reading beautiful words, keeping my positivity. I want to follow on my work on past history forming present consciousness and how this can be transcended, using myths, symbols and psychology, to form a philosophy of progression. Philosophy is important. It’s a discipline that engenders freedom. People are confused by what they want, like should they be faithfully married or sleep with everyone they fancy. A philosophy should give you rules that are actually integral, that would give the answer that’s true for you, thus you live the life you ought to be living.
Positive philosophy: have decided what sort of life is necessary (a happy one) and followed the path accordingly. I want to consider how I should think, act and live according to what is true, good and beautiful and not just think about it but also apply the theory. Mustn’t let theory outstrip practice. Seems to be working. College work ties in with all this, feels more relevant to me, so life is unified. In harmony with myself.’
I don’t think these entries need much further explanation, I just wish I had kept this enthusiastic knowledge in mind more clearly in later, more complicated years. Losing the train tickets was difficult, because we had so little money, but my habit of talking to the sea (really just a way of listening to what you need to tell yourself) helps keep perspective. I deliberately chose to cultivate happiness - but never really got into ironing, reading was far more useful.