Been
a while since I checked the old diaries. There are lots of entries for 1994,
despite how busy I was, I wrote everywhere, I was so excited by my discoveries.
Although I do start with a bit of bitching… maybe if you could have heard the
nonsense those poor desperate to impress boys were spouting, you would have
thought ‘tongue scissors’ too. If I could revisit this scene I think I would
just laugh, being older and generally more tolerant. The crap I refer to is
their banter, not daughter’s charming dinosaur centric babble.
‘On
the train.
Oh
dear. How many stories can you begin with ‘me and my mates, right’…. I’m sure
they’re very nice, individually, but I wish I’d brought my tongue scissors.
Daughter
not stopped talking either but at least she’s not freezing my imagination with
tales of how she fished for Yorkshire.
To
distract me from this crap I’ll think about yesterday’s walk on the beach. I
went to talk to the sea about losing the train tickets (had to buy another set…)
What
I seemed to hear was- stop thinking you’ll always be moving, you might need to
settle down, to learn that stillness doesn’t mean the same as stopped. Losing the
tickets was a stupid accident.
Other
things I have in mind for 1994:
I
want to be beautiful. This means practical steps like being bothered to iron a
dress but also reading beautiful words, keeping my positivity. I want to follow
on my work on past history forming present consciousness and how this can be
transcended, using myths, symbols and psychology, to form a philosophy of
progression. Philosophy is important. It’s a discipline that engenders freedom.
People are confused by what they want, like should they be faithfully married
or sleep with everyone they fancy. A philosophy should give you rules that are
actually integral, that would give the answer that’s true for you, thus you
live the life you ought to be living.
Yorkshire.
Positive
philosophy: have decided what sort of life is necessary (a happy one) and
followed the path accordingly. I want to consider how I should think, act and
live according to what is true, good and beautiful and not just think about it
but also apply the theory. Mustn’t let theory outstrip practice. Seems to be
working. College work ties in with all this, feels more relevant to me, so life
is unified. In harmony with myself.’
I
don’t think these entries need much further explanation, I just wish I had kept
this enthusiastic knowledge in mind more clearly in later, more complicated
years. Losing the train tickets was difficult, because we had so little money,
but my habit of talking to the sea (really just a way of listening to what you
need to tell yourself) helps keep perspective. I deliberately chose to cultivate happiness - but never
really got into ironing, reading was far more useful.
Comments