What Is It That I Want?

Cute duck walking out of river

This week I'm Granma Grace-sitting. We are having a fine time so far, I have only frustrated myself by attempting to get better search engine optimisation while our Grace takes pleasant naps. It isn't a silly thing to try (SEO or naps). I think I have over-tried though, and need to stop before I get reckless - there's a sort of madness in this grasping for success. Perhaps I should go back to querying, find an agent, seek the traditional publication route. What am I actually wanting from this? To get my words in front of more people; to sell books to help finance buying a field. I'm always busy, always working; out at work, working from home, relentless. I stop here and there, recharge, go. 
Bringing a dream to life can be a tough gestation. 

So, this dream, this field and the living we will make and do within it, why do I want that? To be living in tune with myself and the earth, to spend quality time with family and friends; a sense of achievement comes into it too. The van conversion is near finished (it will never be entirely finished, being a first project especially, one is always learning and adapting things) and this time last year having a camper van was only a dream. How did it happen? We made ourselves rich by making our wants few, plus long work hours. This scores high on the sense of achievement. Maybe the land will come the same way. And with the land comes projects; swimmable water, woods, field kitchen, charcoal kiln, hillbilly hot tub, old tyre sauna, maybe a pirate ship on a little island for my ducks to live in? (Yes, I definitely want that!)
And a space for my writing - whether anyone reads a single line or not, underneath all of this dream making is the compulsion to write, the words that seem anxious to find me. If I had nothing else, if no dreams appealed, I would want to be writing.
The words come now and they say - stop chasing, keep working, it will all happen, pay attention. 

Today Grace and I will go walking, by the canal, to a park, somewhere where her memories are gathered. Yesterday we strolled to the river and down by the flood defences which are all new. Out of the water hobbled a little duck, just as curious to observe us.
Come live in my pirate ship, little duck, please; come remind me how to be.

Things to do by the river Exeter: say hello to a duck. Granma Grace leans from her wheelchair to chat to the little curious duck.


I can see your field and your swimming hole and your pirate ship so clearly. I know you’ll make it happen. My friend did. It was 20 years in the making and is on-going but it started with a dream of land, just like yours. They got the land then spent a few years clearing it, then saved to get power set up. They build what would eventually be their garage and lived there for quite a few years, during which they added some chickens and a couple more dogs, a garden. Then they got the house finished 5 or 6 years ago, and moved into that. They designed and built it themselves. They added fruit trees and goats. Their daughter bought the land next door and built a house and moved in with her family. Their son is now building on another piece of land. It’s been amazing to watch her dream come to life. I look forward to reading how yours will come about.
Lisa Southard said…
Oh! I'm so happy to hear that - knowing other people have struggled through is a big help and I'm so happy for them too :-)

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