Falling And Laughing
Wipers smudge road spray from the brow of the car. Even through the last of these storm clouds a staring light necessitates dark glasses. The windows are open, finding some freshness from the warm wet ground. We are on our way to Granma Grace, Dog and I, running late, catching up time.
I had put my food bag in the foot-well at a poor angle; on arrival I find blood from Dog's food has spilt and everything needs rinsing out: my breakfast strawberries smell of butchery.
We had caught up with time - Granma was sleeping, oblivious - so we took the parking pass to the car and embarked on our routine stroll by the river, walking on a shadow strewn path past the shallow water where the summer has sprung a mush of weed and iris leaves are striking up from soft mud. Where two gulls struggle for mastery of a pigeon corpse, in full view of the other pigeons; for which I criticise the victor and it flies off.
Dog is at a nonchalant trot, smelling stories out of grass.
Later we will find a deeper river, swim together through reflections of sky and treetops. Maybe a kingfisher will swoop, maybe dragonflies. Maybe trout will brave a swim-by. Maybe Dog will keep herself busy and not excitedly fetch sticks to me while I'm wrestling out of wet clothes in the undergrowth and do not wish to be noticed.
A swan hisses but we're out of reach.
At Granma's a clock ticks, a sleeping breath rolls gently out-in. Dog is glad to have her food. Strawberries smell like strawberries. Coffee brown and soft as mud in the mug I like with the pale pattern of roses.
I am - again- readying to consult the internet for news of land for sale.
I will need more coffee and maybe a bowl of ice-water to drop my brain into.
Much as Dog sniffs findings from ground sources, every piece of land holds for us a future story direction, a mass of potential for joy and/or desperation.
In truth I am ashamed of finding this process difficult. Our means are meagre or amazing, depending on the financial privilege of the onlooker. We have made a simplifying list: a need for water, power, access, trees, isolation, affordability; which has thwarted our hearts cursedly now, but of course we will be glad of it... eventually... Sometimes the adventure is squashed by the responsibility we have to the dream becoming real. There is climate emergency, there is political chaos enabling horror: how to be sure we are combating that? Sometimes the reality is threatened by the power of the dreams, the fun we can have: though fun is essential. Sometimes I remember that the difficulty is part of the adventure: is the very peril I thrive upon: I should not have forgotten.
Later, maybe, when we're walking, Dog and I, we will find a suitable tree. I will practice balancing, remember my rules to live by (courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self control, indomitable spirit). I will know that life rarely lacks regret, but here too should be balance: it is possible to enjoy doing what you shouldn't have done: it is all part of your story and your flow of learning.
I will think of the river and how stagnation breeds poison.
I will be lost in laughter if I fall, and, dear reader, you will be welcome to join me.